What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 04:32
I don,t even have a pension.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is soul school!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was scared of men, in general
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
All the time i was locked up.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He knew the spot.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She found it foreign!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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But it wasn’t much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ive learnt so much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She wouldn,t have been !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Would this be the day?
(And it was in our own minds.)
My family never makes their pension either.
One cannot live in the past .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i lived it daily.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She married twice! .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So whats the point in blame.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She loved him until the end.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was 9 years of age.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My life is so biszare .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When she asked me how she looked .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Who then, do I blame.?
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im still living with it.
I was very sick at this time too.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I think the readers, may guess!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was in good health!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He resisted the act ,that day.
What did i know ?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We were not on the streets..
I write beautiful poetry .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I will be 64.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I said to her
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I waited trembling.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Was to survive, this bastard.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Comes on , in middle age.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Put me off passion for life!!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I have no regrets .
We all went to grammer schools
It was going to be , some day.
But, we were locked up after school.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.